Learn to Love Myself

I married a great guy.

He is never anything but supportive of me, even when I’m not supportive of myself.

Body Issues

For example, I haven’t been happy about the way my body looks for awhile now. I have Scoliosis in my lower back, which makes my hips look off-balance. I have love handles. I also seem to carry all my extra weight in my tummy.

I am aware I’m am not the only one with these issues. These are all common things that women dislike about their bodies.

Anorexic?

One of the reasons it bothers me so much is that I used to be super skinny. As in, strangers would comment and ask if I was anorexic. I was far from it. I could eat an entire bag of potato chips in one sitting and not gain a pound. This would occur regularly.

Since the other female members of my family didn’t have such a simple time with their weight, I considered being skinny to be what made me feel beautiful.

Not Attractive

Not that I thought I was otherwise ugly. I’m blonde with blue eyes and my face has a nice bone structure (according to others). But, I did wear glasses until a few years ago when I finally got Lasik done.

My glasses were the thing I used to be self-conscious of. I felt like they were the one thing that got in the way of people finding me attractive. That and my small boobs.

I got Lasik done a few years ago, so that self-consciousness is gone. And I don’t have small boobs anymore, thanks to the 50-ish pounds I’ve gained since my twenties.

Wedding Day

Weight Gain

I weighed around 127 pounds on my wedding day in 2012. The last time I weighed myself (a couple months ago, pre-quarantine) I was around 180. I think I have lost some weight since then, but I’m not sure. I don’t want to step on the scale and feel bad about myself.

I started gaining weight not too long after we got married. I was getting older, I started on Anti-Anxiety medication, and I didn’t always have the best eating habits.

Diets

My weight has fluctuated over the years. I got myself down to 155 pounds at one point, 5 away from my goal. I have gone on different diets, like Weight Watchers and Nutrisystem. Weight Watchers is what got me down 20 pounds at one point.

But, the weight always comes back. Because it takes more than exercise to maintain weight loss. Before COVID-19, I was doing Zumba 2-3 times a week. But then I would also eat shitty, so it didn’t matter.

Recent picture

You Need to Love Yourself

So, I’m probably at my heaviest weight right now. I don’t feel good about myself. I have been taking walks nearly every day, plus doing a Walk at Home program. I just look in the mirror and see my protruding belly and hate it.

I’ve recently been asking my husband how he is still attracted to me. He just rolls his eyes. I did this again last night and he finally said, “You just need to love yourself”.

I just need to love myself. He is right. That has been sticking with me today.

After he said that, I looked at myself in the mirror again. I still see a tummy that could use some work, but it’s not disgusting. I see hips that I was born with and just happen to require larger waistbands. I also saw thighs that could also use a little work, but hey, they will always be there to catch my phone before it falls in the toilet.

My body isn’t the same as it was when I was in my 20’s. But, you know what? I didn’t like my body then, either.

So, in order to keep loving myself more, I’m gonna work on some Zumba routines and start clearing clothes out of my closet that will only make me feel bad.